Escape => Settings => Change Local time to -6 GMT.

Time? I don’t know the definition of time, i don’t want to know the definition of time. I do not need clocks or calendars but I have found the true meaning of love in a bathtub with its every vulgar and beautiful details.

I know my destiny, i know my future already. Am i trying to run away from it? I tried once, twice, but it caught up with me nonetheless, i’m only fooling myself.

I don’t want you to break my ideals, i want you to touch my mind and see what i see , feel what i feel and realise why i am so afraid of this crude , terrible but complex and refreshing world.

I can’t do this anymore, not right now anyway. I need to escape, i need to fly away from all these things. I know i’m talking nonsense all over again. My mind will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I think that these people need to open their eyes more, i want these people to realise that there’s something out there, i want them to read between the lines. I want them to know that they’re weird, complex and beautiful beings.

I know that sometimes i should talk less.

I want to be free, i want another life… though… i know someday i might reset to default.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Crowded streets, crowded strange streets. I can feel the city alive inside of me, reconstructing itself piece by piece. Earlier this morning i had so many questions, my ideas were scratching my brain with an unbridled frenzy. The bells from the cathedral woke my senses back up. I forgot i was not alone though i wished i was. I was starting to loathe my two allies, i realised they were dragging me behind. I changed my clothes fast and i rushed out of the motel room without saying a word. I couldn’t care less what they thought at that exact moment. I needed to get away, to escape from them, but, wait, where am I?

Clocks from different time zones were all around me, i was starting to panic. I can’t be in New York, no, i’m in Houston, but i can’t possibly be in Houston. I was lost. My mind was lost , but my thoughts were still hurting my brain, i wanted to scream for help, i needed a way back home, i was shouting from the top of my lungs, but nobody was around me anymore, except for this tiny beautiful butterfly. I was sure it was my only way out of this strange time loop.

I raised my hand , i just wanted to touch it, to be as pure as it can be in this terrible and distorted world. My hands were shaking too much and i killed it by mistake. What a shame, i said to myself..

Suddenly i was starting to fall, nothing was around me anymore, i was falling..endlessly. All of my past mistakes, all of my tragedies were there, tearing me from the inside and from the outside. The pain that i felt was unbearable, it tore my heart into pieces and my soul crumbled into small crystal shards. Seconds later a hurricane swooped me away with brutal force and i felt a hand on my shoulder:

Are you ok, man?

I opened my eyes differently than i had opened them before, i felt strange, but good. I was feeling something that i could not have explained at that moment.

Yes, i am, don’t worry. I paused for a minute , silence bestowed upon the room. I wanted to say something else and i could only say one thing:

You know what? I killed a butterfly and a hurricane changed me entirely.

Not today

Today i’m not in the mood for myself, i’m not in the mood for you.
Today i need to direly change.
Today i don’t want any friends.
Today i won’t smoke any cigarettes.
Today i won’t listen to music.
Today i won’t drink anything.
Today i’m not saying one thing.
Today i refuse to see.
Today i refuse to hear.
Today i’m not absolute.
Today i’m not nothing.
Today i won’t be mad at all.
Today i don’t want to meet anybody.

Maybe today i might care a little.
Maybe today i know who i am.
Maybe today i can modelate my own future, though…

Tomorrow everything can spin around.

Only one or…two?

“Un fragment”

Today I didn’t even know when I woke up. Getting up from my sofa seemed a very hard thing to do. Everything around me was a blur, colours were mashing in violent waves, my head was so heavy that I crumbled down to the floor. Seconds later I hear a voice, i heard it before, i hear it everyday.

I rose quickly from the floor shooked, he told me to wake up with an angry voice, a voice of a madman. Immediately I calmed down, opened my weary eyes, i almost forgot that my head hurt so much. I tried to say something but i was abruptly interrupted :

-Shut up, he said with a violent tone while staring right through my eyes.  Look around you, what do you see?

-What do you mean? I can see you right in front of my face.

-No, you fool ! I asked you what do you see.

-I don’t know, i’m feeling pretty sick, i’m not in the mood for your stupid games Alex.

Saying that almost made me vomit, i could barely speak clearly. I hate puking, but sometimes i enjoy it, i feel free, i feel like i’m releasing myself from all the darkness that’s inside me, from all the smoke and tar that’s inside my lungs, from all the things that force me into decay and depravity. I tried to say something once more but i couldn’t open my mouth anymore, hands were dropping from the ceiling trying to suffocate me.

- I can’t breath, Alex, i can’t breath..  I was sure that he couldn’t hear me because I didn’t even open my mouth, he was looking at me with a stupid grin. I was blacking out, but even then i could not get out of my head that stupid smile of his.

The last thing i heard was my body crashing to the floor…

“To be continued”

Analepsy

Tonight i don’t want to sleep, i just want to have a pack of cigarettes with three cups of coffee, all alone. It’s 3 in the morning and i’m still talking with the yellow walls in my room. They desperately try to understand me but they can’t, i won’t explain them anything anymore. I bet they’re atheists.

There’s only one more cigarrete in my pack, i will need to wake up the old woman at the non stop shop. I hurry up the door with my shirt unbuttoned, i hit my shoulder, i have forgotten it was broken and i start yelling. The pain is horrendous. I don’t want to shout anymore, smash your way inside my brain, suffocate my neurosis and make it crawl, make use of it like you always have.

I’m afraid of closing my eyes, i don’t want anymore flashbacks. I… I’m not recognising my past , but it haunts me with every bad decision taken in the present.

I don’t even want to talk about the future, only narrow minded people live in the future.

I’m trying to hide behind so many sillhoutes, i’m trying to fuse myself with all that is good but i think i’m going mad.

I have forgotten everything about me.

I only wrote this book about you, i tore it page by page,  in thousands of little paper pieces. Every word is lost. I just wanted to prove to you that i can create, but i can destroy as well.

 

Cadere libera

Azi e ziua in care o sa stai in pat cu gandurile ratacite prin trecut, prezent si viitor. Astazi extragi negrul din gri cu usurinta, nu te mai sufoca milioane de chipuri straine, poti respira. Nu vrei sa crezi despre tine ca esti un hedonist, desi nu-ti refuzi nicio placere, accepti tot ce e mai rau ca sa-ti fie bine. Mereu ai respins ideea de a fi un sclav al societatii, ai evadat din labirintul cliseic al lumii in care intra toti fara sa-si dea seama, esti un rebel fara cauza.

Maine va fi ziua in care iti va fi frica doar de o singura persoana. N-o sa te mai poti uita in ochii ei niciodata deoarece nu mai are nimic de ascuns, privirea-i este ratacita, sufletul si inima i-au disparut de mult. Incearca sa-si gaseasca locul dar nu reuseste niciodata. O sa-ti acoperi urechile cand o sa vorbeasca pentru ca o sa te faca sa suferi asa cum i-a facut pe multi altii , nu mai are ratiune, nu mai este om. De fiecare data cand o s-o vezi, o sa-ti intorci spatele si o sa fugi asa cum a facut si Dumnezeu cand a vazut ceea ce a creat , nu mai poate fi salvata nici de tine, de nimeni.

Ieri, ieri a fost frumos, nu stiai nimic de toate acestea, ieri ai fost pur, ieri erai cu gandul la copilarie..

Rosu aprins si albastru amar

Un birou albastru cu zeci de pachete de Marlboro rosu goale pe el. Acelasi personaj sta acolo si se intreaba pe zi ce trece daca s-a mai schimbat ceva in el. Prea mult timp stai inchis in capul tau, renegi tot ce vezi, tot ce exista, tot ce nu exista, tot ce e frumos, tot ce e urat. Mintea ta a inventat prea multe personalitati, cateodata nici nu le mai poti controla, te eliberezi odata cu ele.

Ai nevoie de o camasa de forta pentru creierul tau. Azi esti prea bun , maine poti fi prea rau. Exista momente cand schimbarile prin care treci iti fac o placere neortodoxa, iubesti sa te joci cu mintile oamenilor, sa le soptesti ce vor sa auda, sa te folosesti de naivitatea lor. Manipulare, persuasiune, ai luat-o razna si nu vezi, te-ai alaturat unei mascarade din care nu mai poti fugi, deoarece totul s-ar intoarce impotriva ta.

Locul tau este pe un munte inalt, singur. Esti asa de egoist si incuiat incat ti s-ar parea ca ai fi in varful lumii, iar oamenii ar fi exact ca niste musculite fara aripi pe care le-ai putea strivi fara nicio urma de remuscare.

Te iubesti, apoi te urasti, nu mai vrei sa simti nimic, acum tine-ti gandurile in frau, cauta mai mult camasa aceea si schimba-ti tigarile pentru ca totul este prea negru pe dinauntru.

Illusion

I’m here, sitting in my little chair in the balcony, smoking a cigar. I find it a little weird how at this time of night, my cigarette smoke tends to shapeshift. Sometimes I can see God, sometimes I can see myself, but I adore when I see the endless universe filled with it’s infinite galaxies. It’s awe-inspiring. Are you the universe? Yes, yes you are, your eyes are like two massive black holes, they can suck everything in, but i’m not worried because i’m intrigued by the unknown. The whole Milky Way is only a tiny freckle just above your nose, i won’t even name the other galaxies, I could stay for years, decades, even milleniums to do so.

You seem wise, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars and all the other planets in the solar system are tiny figments of your imagination, yet I know you’re so young, innocent and pure. Illusions are beautiful, pity mine last for just a couple of minutes. I finished one cigarette, two cigarettes, three cigarettes and everything just faded away afterwards.

I realise that i’m all by myself up here, freezing, my hands are shaking and i’m trying to think what to write about you..

M. si A.

Are doua prietene, il iubesc, le iubeste. Nu sunt geloase, cateodata se intalneste doar cu M., cateodata doar cu A., dar ele nu se supara chiar daca se vad toti trei deodata. M. este mai fragila , il invata lucruri noi, ii deschide porti imense spre alte lumi, il ajuta cand e suparat, il elibereaza, il face sa viseze. M. este fumatoare, mereu are un parpalac alb , o face sa straluceasca in lumina. Are o slabiciune pentru fetele fumatoare. A. are parul fin si saten, il face sa rada foarte mult, ii da mult curaj, insa ea nu poate nicidecum sa fumeze, el a incercat s-o invete, nu poate sa traga in piept, dar e multumit ca nu are nimic impotriva fumului de tigara.

M. si A. mai au nevoie de bani , vor haine noi, bijuterii noi, vor sa se innoiasca. Le ofera ce vor ele, e fericit ca-l fac sa se simta bine mereu. Le face toate poftele, toata lumea ii stie la petreceri, toti se distreaza cand ii vad. Relatia este una mai speciala, dar ca in orice relatie exista si certuri.

N-a fost de acord cu M. intr-o seara, aceasta l-a trantit cu fata de asfalt, l-a lasat acolo, l-a lasat sa adoarma pe strazi. A doua zi dimineata nimeni nu mai era suparat, nici M. , nici el, au fumat un Marlboro impreuna , comportandu-se exact ca inainte.

A. este mai aspra cu el cand se cearta, l-a facut sa vomite o ora intreaga, l-a ametit cu toate intrebarile ei, i-a distras atentia de atatea ori cu mentalitatea ei. Nu poate uita asa de repede ce-i face A., n-o mai suna o saptamana, ii este frica sa nu se certe cu ea.

M. si A. , stia de ele de cand era mic, insa le cunoaste personal de cativa ani. Azi vrea sa se intalneasca cu ele, vrea sa le tina de mana pe amandoua, vrea sa le mai iubeasca putin..

Sabia, scutul si inima

Unde este sabia, unde este scutul, unde este inima? Pierdute in razboi, sau pierdute pentru ca asta era soarta lor. De ce au fost pierdute, de ce multi inca le cauta fara sa se gandeasca la consecinte?

Nimeni nu mai intreaba de calator, acesta le-a posedat pentru o perioada, a crezut ca este invincibil, avea mintea si gandurile afectate de megalomanie.Lumea l-a iubit, l-a pretuit, insa totul s-a schimbat cand a revenit fara ele, a fost izgonit si injurat. Acesta a fugit, a fugit fara sa se uite inapoi, a incercat sa se ascunda dupa masti , dupa iluzii, dar a renuntat, le-a luat pe toate si le-a zdrobit de asfalt.

Oamenii il mai vedeau plimbandu-se singur pe strazile intunecate, il evitau, il priveau ca pe un nebun. Este in razboi cu divinitatea, cand intunericul se asterne, obisnuieste sa se urce pe un deal inalt si sa stea de vorba cu dumnezeul lui, il uraste, il uraste pentru ca nu exista si pentru ca nu are cum sa-l ajute, are nevoie de un semn biblic mai mult ca oricand.

Ganduri din ce in ce mai frenetice ii invadeaza mintea, simte nevoia sa se elibereze, ar vrea ca toti atomii si moleculele care il alcatuiesc sa explodeze, se chinuie , dar nu mai poate.

Unde este sabia, unde este scutul, unde este inima? Chiar avem nevoie de ele? El sigur nu mai are, toate s-au intors impotriva lui, asa se intampla mereu, asa se intampla tuturor..