On love…
Life in two is the definition of existence,
Inevitable, conjugal and everlasting,
Mortality is forgotten, five humane senses replaced by one.
Periodically mistrusted but never abandoned.
Ideally innocent, yet aggressive in nature,
Apathetic when proved wrong.
Temperate above the surface
Excruciating beneath the breath
Immoral as the lie that gave it truth,
Utopian in it’s deception
Bliss at the darkest of times
Eccentric when given meaning
Sorrowful when lost
Crap, where are you?
I have come back to see you smile, to bring you hope and chance.
Didn’t anybody tell you? Didn’t anybody show you that I’m not the one who you wish to be?
And this time I’m here to stay, forever, comforting and mellow , assuring and alluring.
Let me go, this is what I ask of you, I can’t stay in one place , I was never meant for this.
Connected to you in love , I am alive at night through the vessel of your memories,
Because in the light I die , for I am pain and I am anger , I am lies and I am shame.
Drag me by my light and pull me in your altar, cover my eyes and nullify me , make me into you.
This is my shadow weeping, phasing and deluding , this is it, crawling under my skin, fleshing out the truth.
Take me home and see to it that i come through,
Coming straight through you, taking away all that’s yours, making it mine…
I’m leaving and I’m never coming back.
Hello, it’s me, Alex, the champion spermling that got out your phallus one day. As you well know, I worked my way out to existence with the help of your alpha male sexual powers. That little unique sperm cell took form and shape after 9 months. I started crying from the very beginning, ever since i saw the light, maybe, in that primary state of being i was already realizing what was about to follow, a life filled with hardships, obstacles , contradictions. I say contradictions because life is beautiful too, maybe i started crying out of happiness, who the fuck knows. The idea is that now I’m 22, I’m endowed with a strong mind , a body quite soft and squiggly, yet a face and a personality that’s hard to miss, so much that even you envy me at times.
You might have the impression that I’m talking about me again, but that’s far away from the symbol of the message that I’m trying to transmit now. I’m independent and fully grown thanks to you, after all, i did lunge out of your life giving manly fountain, you God in mortal form. I am forever in your debt , you showed me the way, eh , in your own style, that one which is at a total loss for holy morals or ethics. Don’t you worry though, I’m not one of those ambulatory cadavers controlled by the forces of morals and ethics, I’d rather be alive and lacking pseudo respect.
But…fuck, here I am again , going side ways instead of wishing you a simple Happy Birthday. A special day, for you , like for any other, special for all of us.Come to think about it, it reminds me of a cluster fuck of parasites. I hope you will find the power of will to be enjoy this blessed day that brings you closer to death, that sets you even further ahead on that never ending path to immortality. God , Death and the Devil, all stopped for you today, FOR YOU !
Happy Birthday old man.
This article needs to be read as if it were a pamphlet, especially because it was written by a mature sperm cell. DAD, I GREW ARMS !!!!!
God has caused so much sin in you and your loved ones, just so you , yourself, can be…
The One.
His true son.
He did it all for you.
And do you ever feel mistreated , have you ever done good and were mistook for just some other crook?
Did you show them that you care?
Did you, did you know?
You were their life, their savior !
Did you turn their water into wine, their boredom into fun?
Just remember, he did it all for you.
He never questioned why, and nor should you.
Go ahead and light the way, I’ve been waiting and now I really have to change my way.
And let it be as it may, I will die just before I cry for you..
My father , My betrayer, My love.
I do remember how I die every time , I see myself alone waving goodbye to everybody from a distance, they’re always there when I’m set to leave, the same forgotten faces from past times, the smiles that i borrowed, the laughter that i stole , the words that i use as my own, the tears that i shed, of course, I know what they want, they want all of those things back, but I would never give them back, because I’m afraid that i might not live again.
They are like me in a way, or another , afraid to let me go. I know…I’ve been on the other side alongside with these silhouettes once, I was waving back to somebody that died one night and i know i longed for my spiritual possessions to be given back to me, but I could only stand still, waving back, letting it know by the end, that all those stolen moments of before were ours , they were our only way of true belonging, they were ours altogether only because we had the courage to share and learn from each other. I felt humbleness dimming me out in that loud silence, awe struck to see that I’m theirs and they’re mine.
Dimmed and silent I wake up , opening my eyes, can barely see, can barely hear, can barely move, i feel life coursing through my body along with my first breath , I am alive once more, a newborn inside a proud man. I caught light and i shined again , proud of my strong voice , genuine laughter, the smile behind my tears…ours.
I finally learned to not fear death anymore, because when you’re not your body, you gain the knowledge of the infinite , a knowledge that can be brought back for another chance in life , a chance for someone like you with someone like me.
Weak and shaking, drifting like an aimless shadow trying to grasp some sort of essence, to take any kind of form,everything just passes through me , leaving me hollow. Empty is the word that comes out of me, cold is the touch that’s supposed to warm you, black and white is all i see and i’m ashamed , it makes me feel so ashamed.
So now i’m on my knees , searching for you to lift me up and whenever you give your best i sink even lower into my sorrowful ground, i rise , i rise uglier than ever, my eyes are dirt , my view is distorted and twisted and it makes me feel ugly. I turned my back on everybody , i became a stranger on a strange road, all alone riding until time will recognize me.
And i’m waiting, still waiting to be full again, and emptiness , emptiness fills me every time and i can’t have enough because my soul is endless. How pitiful i have become when fear fuels my motivations, overwhelming others , fear, and i see it in the eyes of men and my blood starts pumping, my soul is stirring and my fist is shaking.
My heart is my fear , and it will pump pain until the day i give my last breath, until dirt will cover every inch of my ugly self.
I can’t recall my past anymore, I can’t live in the present moment but i search with clinging hope for ways that in the future i will be able to live a new life, deeming dreams unnecessarily and infantile.
Here i am , still, trapped in between two worlds, trapped between the invisible barriers of time, in the most peculiar chamber ever saw by the human eye. I did not only see it, but felt it’s entire structure separately in my mind. A rejuvenating aroma of ambrosia reached my nostrils, empowering my weak , shaking body. The surge of power that started coursing throughout my whole system was so benign and dreadful at the same time, it was making me sense a great void inside my body getting sealed off , getting filled with chaotic harmony, shrinking to the size of a tiny spot through which i got pumped out with force, releasing me from my bodily prison. Shockingly i lost all my biological functions, my needs were replaced with completeness, a frenetic sense of grandeur was encompassing me like a brilliant aura.
After such an introspective explosion i opened my eyes , i was inside my body , but it didn’t feel individualistic, I was not stained by a so-called ego anymore, i meant everything in nothing. The chamber looked like an endless sphere, like a quasar from the deepest bowls of space, two infinite strings of DNA were circling across the whole room jumping from mirror to mirror creating reflections of thousands of lives, destroying others, recycling and healing the old and tarnished, uniting in a massive helix in the center of the room , flowing down through the floor and the ceiling with an electric beat to it.
Divine, something to revere, my mind thought, but it was not ordinarily, i could see my thoughts as transparent energies getting sucked out of me blending perfectly within the massive pool of life that was profoundly making me devote myself to it, slowly, steadily.
The architecture resembled perfect geometric columns , intricate lines and webs spiraling inside and outside each other, imperial rags and curtains emblazoned by pure figures were set everywhere across the mysterious chamber, having the same astonishingly creative geometry patterns in their superior design. It’s very hard to express it in words, impossible, the structure was never built or imagined by “Man”, but by a higher mind, one that brings you humbleness and unpreceded beauty inside the center core of your existence.
I shook my head to the left only to see blessed children dressed in aristocratic robes singing at the top of their lungs in glossolalia sounds that resonated powerful and motivating hymns that awestruck my new form of existence, to the right angels started phasing in , one by one, each rising his trumpet higher than the last , with bravery and unconditioned power of will filling the spectre of our location with mighty notes of victory, which made me raise my head up with hope to the ceiling only to gaze upon statues of great men that were situated upside down in that colossal masterpiece of architecture.
Taking a step further, closer to the helix was making me feel more pure and euphoric, i wanted to embrace all of it, i wanted to jump into that life cluster and become what it was. I was halted immediately, my shadow was keeping me in place, the music of the angels and children suddenly stopped , without any kind of warning. Complete silence surrounded the area, while an immense shapeless being surrounded by such a bright light gently started to float out of the helix, all the particles in the helix were abiding to it , making way for it’s overwhelming presence.
An unexplainable feeling of freedom covered everybody, angels started bowing with perfect tactic and precision, while the children started running around joyfully in a very disorderly fashion. The power of my shadow was pressing down on my shoulders , making me bow in front of the mysterious being.
It started taking steps towards me, it’s light was fading, it was dimming out until all i could see was a perfectly bright white robe that covered a pure being made also out of light, it’s bright halo was reminiscent of the whole structure of the chamber in miniature. It initiated a conversation in my mind when it touched my forehead. The figure had not one voice, but two opposite ones in tonality and nature that were resonating in union. It was disturbing yet calming. Eyes made out of all aspects of nature were sliding across my whole body analyzing me, observing my every thought, my every reaction, my past, present and future like ten thousand needles were grabbing, pinching and releasing my silhouette. All of a sudden the wonderful being that conjured itself in front of me started releasing a wretched and putrid stench.
It shouted in my mind” You are not the first to come before me, you are one of the many who have searched for the indisputable truth, and I am here, in front of you, the same as you are in front of me. You need to know i created you in my image , I am the same as YOU. You , as the others , are searching for perfection and I am here to remind you of it.”
All the time he was speaking, his voice was getting more grave and it seemed to twist into a malevolent nature.
“Remember where you came from , remember that you were in perfection before you reached this room. Remember , you lived in the only thing that could be perfect, you are part of the PERFECT SUFFERING. “
That was it’s last word and with it liquids flushed my body back again, i felt desire, i felt need, i felt my shadow grabbing and tinkering with my body, it layed itself completely on me, my biological structure was returned back to me, making me feel heavier, burdened, making me want to throw my weight on others…just like me.
The shadow that was my own, sled down behind me like water pouring down off my body in heavy rain, back in it’s place , where it was supposed to be. Opening my despicable eyes again, all that was there turned into it’s counterpart immediately, i was in the same place, but another perspective was haunting everything around.
The children that were so innocent moments ago went into a process of putrefaction and their skin started fissuring, blood was tearing from their eyes and their little cracks in their skin , demonic cries were coming out of their little mouths , shrieks of deaths, meanwhile the angels started waging a war against each other, their trumpets being replaced by fiery swords , melting each others wings, cursing each other in unforgivable ways, each and everyone of them wanted to succeeded in killing their brothers.
Massive amounts of blood cracked the vitraliae of the room , pouring unrelentingly and flooding the whole room , i was desperately trying to approach the figure that was slowly moving towards the DNA spiral, i needed to see what was behind those robes. Moving through the thick disgusting blood was making me feel sick, disease started floating around the room , replacing the beauty of the Helix, replacing the whole spiral with a putrid twister of affliction and death. I finally took a leap and grabbed the being’s robe, removing it , but not without a price, my hands began boiling , melting my skin off of my bones, spiders started crawling under my skin and escaping through my mouth making my body and it’s functions unbearable.
I took one last look at the uncovered body that was once filled with purity and The Sun’s light and all i could see was a hairy massive body, with repugnant hooves, divine figures were trapped behind his skin on his back, effortlessly trying to escape while chewing off skin with savagery. He was encumbered down by a heavy chain of faces that were screaming desperately at him, pointing every mistake at him, pointing his every wrong doing. His horns were made out of the carcasses of infant animals, i never saw his face, never but….
Just before he disappeared into his own sorrowful and betraying hole i caught a glimpse of what seemed like a tail dangling in air , like a headless snake trying to survive.
In that moment i realized…
In this universe where time is our master , here we are in solitude, together, like fragments dispersed by an illusory light, we come to be like a microbe, gaining limbs, veins, muscles and brains, evolving from a speck of dust into a malfunctioning system. In the vastness of space, time is infinite and surrounding all that live and all that don’t. I’m looking at all of this, getting terrified by it, getting awed, and I can only see the same system, the same system that evolves from a speck. Is the whole universe full of flaws and malfunctions like us, we are here , sustaining it, killing it just as we do to ourselves? The universe is as clueless of it’s existence as we are.
Thrown in the middle of it all, not knowing, never knowing, suffering for our mistakes that we don’t mean to do. Tell us now what kind of beings are we, haven’t you played enough with us, just take a look at us, we never mean for these things to happen, it’s a test that spans across millenia and we never learned how to approach you or our soul, i don’t know anymore if we deserve pity or compassion, probably both. I do realize that we should live our lives as if our fathers were dead, but, haven’t you been dead long enough? We need your approval, like insecure children, we need something from you, but you always turn your back. You are all knowing, know this then, this is not the way to teach us, you will force us to destroy everything we created, you made us this way, you made us search for approval when there is none to be found. Be reasonable Father and tell us something, what have we done? See, we can’t realize our wrongdoings.
All of us need help and you’re the only one who can offer this illumination, we can’t do it ourselves. Tell us something, tell us everything, show us why we were born with dreams of a perfect life only to grow up and see the absolute opposite. Tell us that we represent something, reach out to us, because we’re too little to reach out to you. Who are you and who are we, are we the same and can’t grasp that knowledge? Are we The Fathers of our children that are inside of us just as we are the children that are inside of you?
I… don’t deserve, i just steal and make it my own
I am not myself, I am you , all , each and every one of you.
Pounding my chest harder and harder with every ego i break in half but everytime missing the only spot that matters, the heart, rising up above everybody, shouting desperately through the eye with a silent gaze, it’s squished, trapped between this fake devilish individuality.
Naive human, you have only one religion , Confusion, it’s the only one not affected by the great schisms of this life.
The only one that is true, embrace this chaos, this nothingness and with it construct your life the way you want it to be.
Look up to your Father and ask him what is this lesson for, unpatiently waiting for an answer in this system’s circle. Will he answer?He has to, HE NEEDS TO.
Be Adam and find your Eve and relive the said story countless times, never learning, always hoping, always getting bitten by the same snake, with a different skin.
Create your own Jesus, your own Saviour and Lord , let Him scribble down all the 10 commandments on your chest with his blood ,don’t let others throw rocks at you, pound your chest again, harder and insist that you’re innocent.
Analyze everything through a prism, don’t look at anything straight and label it , let your God, Jesus and Holy Spirit label everything in infinite ways, jump through these loop holes and fissures and always rise up out of them with something new, more meanings, more explanations, more confusions for these people to work on.
Stupid, insecure human, don’t pretend to be yourself , pretend to be everybody, in divine union. Stupid lying , worthless monkey, you can’t admit you’re just a speck of misery, drowning everybody in it.
Repulsive humans , we need to illuminate ourselves, not hunt shadows on the streets, waiting for answers.
Stupid human, you’re the best we ever saw.
Little honey, i want to tell you about my darkness but i’m afraid you will run away and so i decided that i’ll speak of the bright light i see before my eyes. Oh Lord, i haven’t been a kid for such a long time now, I forgot how it felt, everything is encompassed by beautiful lies that i can swim in without being afraid of getting drowned. There’s the sun , it’s shining so hard for me and you, for us, everything is ours and we belong to everything, we’re in the right place so let’s run away through these Elysian fields of endless freedom.
Magical, it’s so new and untainted by any knowledge at all, we know of nothing right now , absolutely nothing, you could say we are unique animals that give unquestionable meanings to everything that surrounds us. Here , little honey, there’s no need for intellect and inquiries, here … there are only feelings and perspectives.
Little honey, how i long for you and your touch and smell, i have only your words left and now i give you mine. I wish for you to be here to experience this with me, but maybe my words will be enough for you, such a hopeless fool that i am, my words are not enough, they were never enough.
I’m growing up, this light of mine that i want to tell you so many things about is nothing else but the dawn, this light reveals my true self, a grown man without the capability to dream anymore. There’s the sun again and i don’t want to wake up, this world is not magical, it’s colour is only green and it’s represented only by numbers and statistics.
Little honey, i lost you and my magic, we both grew up and my shadow keeps hiding behind each and every step that you walk into the future. I stay behind your steps, because sometimes i love to live our past when the things that surrounded us mattered and my whole universe was you.
Nothing matters anymore, because my universe is now trapped in you, oh Lord , why did i grow up, make me a child again because the child that’s inside me can see through all these beautiful lies that you layed here for us.
