Train…Everyday II

18: Half machine, half man, this is not very appealing to me. I can see myself,  I can feel myself , I am just a half of what i should be. STOP! I’ve got to shake all these thoughts out of my head, no good will come to me if i just stay and think, i need to act, fast, the train should be arriving soon. I began to move to the other corner of the station, ignoring everybody or anything that approached me, i stopped near a monitor that was hanging from the ceiling, i raised my eyes and started watching it without any real interest. “Tired of the burden you carry? Does everyday feel like it’s the same?Is Yesterday Today, Is Tomorrow Yesterday? Activate your third eye, now, familiar with our new nano-tech suit, most people improved their life by a very big standard. You can work faster, move faster, your ideas will flow like a river inside you and all new other features.Remember, AO works for you day and night, only to bring the best in technology. Sign up to our local shop, we’ll send the data to your neurotransmitter in just a split second, press 555-AO-12345 on your portable phone for more info.”

They have commercials for this, intrigued as i was , i thought that nothing worse can happen, so i’ll have to make use of this situation. I raised my left arm  and noticed that the suit was mostly alive, the little veins twisted and turned, like in a crazed dance, morphing into blue-violet numbers, almost like the ones on my phone. I pressed the numbers which were revealed to me in the commercial soon to be exposed to a rushing sensation that was leading away from my arms to my head and it stopped at my ear. A very mellow voice echoed in my brain, i didn’t need a phone anymore, the phone was part of me.

17: “Hello and welcome to Android Organics, please state your name and affiliation.”

“Siluv Lexai, EXO-IT, data manager”

“Ah, Mr. Lexai, we’ve been expecting your call , it seems that you have a good friend out there, he arranged for your arm and chest plating purchase earlier today. As you might know, the DeKaY Nano-suit is still a prototype so we have to apologize for the little shock you may have endured earlier.

“Friend?Who ordered this for me?Why wasn’t i informed earlier?”

“I’m afraid we can’t tell you, we here at Android Organics respect the privacy of our costumers most of all, your acquaintance wished to keep a low profile. We’re sincerely sorry for not informing you before we sent the data to your neurotransmitter but every single person wishes to have one, it’s the technology that finally replaces personal computers.

“How much for..”

“Yes, the helmet, it’s 15 000 Bar-acks, you need to press the “Cash-in” button just above your wrist and then gently slide the bills in the newly formed slot.”

Money, money, money, i hate money, I’m some kind of wizard with money, when i  get a hold of them, i make sure they disappear instantaneously, just like that, in a blink of an eye, magic, right?Pulling out all of the bills was easy, sure, though out of my pockets they tend to come out messy, just like garbage, piled together. Finally, i exclaimed, after carefully inserting each one of the designated banknotes into the slider.

“Yes, Mr. Lexai, we received the monetary values, hold on a second , you’ll only feel a pin..”

“ARGHHH, I outrageously shouted”, i didn’t even hear the last word he said, it felt as if my head was slit open and brutaly pierced by a large ice pick, smashing through my cranial skull and into my brain causing severe damage, my eyes felt like they were about to pop out and roll on the floor, nothing could’ve prepared me for this kind of pain.

“All done. How are you feeling?”

“ALL DONE?WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? I angrily responded

“Manners, Mr. Siluv Lexai, you’re not a brute, we live in civilized world, it was the nano-robots connecting to your spinal cord, cerebellum and all the way up through your cerebral cortex and then finally making a stop in your optic nerves region.” The voice changed the mellow tone instantly, it was now a rushed up , almost maniacal speech.

“I thought you people are professionals, don’t you warn people before crazy stuff happens?”

“Mr. Siluv, if people expect pain , they can’t cope with the moment as well as if they had no clue what to expect, now we must bid farewell, for any other informations contact our information services , oh, yes, almost forgot, to activate your newly installed piece just press the Blue button situated in the centre of your chest piece. You’ll get used fast to your nano suit, we know at first it feels heavy, but bear with it.

16: With a slight feeling of tension i pressed the designated button , a liquid sensation grasped all of my head , feeling all the micro-organisms getting out of my brain and forming a carcass all over my head, covering my forehead , eyes , nose and mouth, but still going , in a matter of micro seconds it jointed with my chest piece , liquid transformed into solid matter.

A robotic woman’s voice ringed inside my head: “Systems online, verifying data… loading structures… structures loaded, uploading data processes to the external view… Error , the screen flashed red, Error, Anatomical impairment.

Override| Make adjustments. It only required a thought.

Make adjustments selected… Sending data… Finished, Systems online:

So much information , my eyes were at 110% capacity, making finesse correlations with my brain, receiving complex information about any object, myself even and other people as much as they would allow.

I took another cigarette out of my pocket, lighting up and inhaling the first smoke with so much lust. Again the robotic voice in my head, this time warning me about the dangers of smoking, presenting complex data and statistics of death caused by lung cancer.

Arrogantly I whispered :”Yes , yes , i know , get over it, i did”

I wanted to say more but i got interrupted by an “on-retina” information: MESSAGE RECEIVED ==> ACCEPT : Y/N.

Curious, accepting to view the message  a soothing woman’s voice exclaimed in a hurry: “I’m glad you purchased the helm, it will help you more than you think, slick, i wished we were in a movie where i could say we’ve got plenty of time, but as cliche as it may sound we don’t , come quickly in the station’s personnel cabin, we know you need the all the data that you were asked for, we’ll explain later when you arrive.

This day started getting more vague with each second that was passing , but i needed all the info , everything for the up-coming data with which i was burdened to send to my boss, and who the hell is “we”. One way of finding out.

I started sprinting to the other side of the station, some folks stopped for a second watching me run by them with a bewildered stare in their eye. I didn’t know where exactly was the door to the cabin and it was as if my mind was read, the same voice as before contacted me : ” What are you doing , I’m not your wife to stay up late to wait for you, jump on the rail tracks and go forward until you get to a staircase, you’ll know what to do from there.”

I heeded the message , jumped on the tracks and run straight to the stairs, a metal door appeared before my eyes with a large sign on it ” Personnel Activity”

15: I knocked on the door, the woman was there, i heard her inviting me inside, i pressed the door handle with panic , having no idea  what to expect exactly. Entering the room , darkness all around, all the lights were out.

Thump. Auuu, i was shot in my right leg with some sort of anaesthetic. The lights were brought back, my vision was starting to get very blurry, i couldn’t hear very clearly, a silhouette stood right in front of me, her hair was like charcoal, she was wearing a white suite , i couldn’t tell more because inside my head the system crash failure was ringing so hard , my thoughts..collapsing.. i was collapsing on the floor.

“Hello, sir, i have him, he is so easy.”

“Very classy, Amber, have him ready.

Stranger in the mirror

I walk between the walls that lead to the bathroom, they exist, i can touch them, i know they’re there , their yellow tint makes me feel comfortable. Pressing the cold door handle gives me a rushing sensation like a tickle on the brain, very faint, but i can sense it. The floor tiles move and form intricate patterns underneath my feet, the ceiling above me, the bathroom walls are closing up on me, i’m there, yes , i am or am i?

The road to the bathroom seemed like a part scratched away from an old movie, there’s film grain all around, somebody is shooting a short video of myself while i wash my hands, that person is actually myself, I operate the camera, other billions people are in the same position as i am at this very moment, washing the filth of the night just so that the light drawn by the sun can cover their faces. A quick zoom in, close up on my face will do the trick, there. What is it to be insane?How can i be insane, when i can cover all the ground of my surroundings, when i can just think of something and poof, it appears before my eyes.

I think, i am, i am,  i exist, but why? I turned back to the mirror, gazing persistenly into my eyes was … my mind? My mind was looking over me through the use of a body that i can not seem to grasp. I raise my hand slowly and caress my cheeks , ah, it’s cold, my mind shouts in the mirror. Then i move my hand and grab my face , i can’t feel it. I touch the mirror, the same feeling grabs me as before, the feeling that there is no feeling, detached, nothing, detached. Drops of water cover the mirror, covering my face, the form of a hand, dripping away to the neck and then on the ground. The stranger, he’s there to greet me every morning, an automaton overly greasy, a meat bag with an electrical machine in his head, made out of meat as well.

He barely opens his mouth, but i can hear what he says, words echo through the small space between the small miror and myself. “Transcend, cage, prison with bars, these bones are the bars, skin , meat , walls that trap you, transcend, sick soul, you are, yes, transcended”

Enough ! I rushed out of the bathroom and the camera man plays with the video again.

Zoom out ” The world , the green fields, the rotten human metal creations, the symmetry is remarkable, i’m an universe, inside an universe, inside an universe, inside an universe , inside my mind. I don’t want to think, but i think because i exist, i exist today, but not in the present, nor the past and my future is trapped inside my sweaty palms.

In the future i am sane. Maybe too sane for my own good, i’m a stranger to the insane, i’m a stranger to my body, I am my mind, lost in this maze. I’m always behind these brown eyes, is this the way it has always been, could it ever have been different?

Human

It took twenty years to lose all i had inside me. My light that was gazing from these eyes was slowly erasing, i was willingly erasing it, getting darker and darker until my eyes were lost, replaced by big black spheres. I could not accept to be a human, connected to everything and everyone, i wanted to be one, detached from the many, i traded reason f0r insanity , kindness for fear, selflessness for anguish, i traded my heart for free, for nothing.

I cackled maniacally, watching myself become an alien on my planet, i was a God , one that run away from sight. The power , at first, the power was overwhelming, i bathed in it like a greedy man bathed in his money, but there was never enough, i needed more soon to find out that i have no use for it anymore.

Things slowly but firmly started to twist and turn, i stopped using my power, only to be slammed by questions of “WHY?WHEN?HOW?”, these three took over my brain, again i was not ONE , my alienation started giving personalities to everything i used , i asked, i answered, it gave my voice another personality and another, until i didn’t know if that was my voice anymore for sure, i could not be alone, as much as i tried to push and bend my brothers , my mind replaced them with others , it replaced them with only myself, but broken in so many little pieces that i could not hold on to them anymore, with each passing day they started slipping from my grasp, one by one, two by two until i got shattered.

It took twenty years to become a beast, it took twenty years to forget that i was a human as well. Alas, with every broken bond you have the possibility to create another one ,a chance for something new, better. I wept for my pieces, i wanted them back,i wanted to complete the unfathomable puzzle until one day i realised, i already am what i need to be , i am one, by being many, the burden of God should only be carried by God itself. I am myself, i am you, give me your thoughts and i’ll give you mine and thus be complete.

On the brink of…

Change, your smile, the little spark in your eye,

Don’t you know , I’ll be gone and away and the sun and the waves

Won’t be with me and you on the brink of…

Change.

Only the clouds still remain and when you’ll gaze into the distance, you need to be strong

I will not be far, just poles apart, a short distance away, you can reach me anytime

Just raise your hands to the skies and learn to fly.

Don’t you ever worry,

My words , they don’t sync in with my thoughts, i’m only pushing you aside

Only to sit comfortably on my mind and dream about me kissing your life.

On the brink of change, i’m your little boy growing up

Becoming a man, mad and unchained,

But everyday i’ll turn the clock away , turning into that little boy

That will never forget your smile and the sparks in your eyes.

Those things will be the same even on the brink of…

Change.

Train…Everyday I

“The train will be arriving in 24 minutes..” , a voice covered all of the station’s noise. People  around took imediate notice of it, each and everyone of them closed their mouths listening closely to the automated voice. “It’s time to get ready”

24:  I am there, the red chair still had the scent of my dreams, i could not grasp them, the rushing voice woke me up unprepared, reality  had slowly put it’s pillars deep down in the ground below my feet fand above.  I pulled a cigarette and my old Zippo out of my coat, lighting it up while i was looking left and right to scour for any spicy details that might pop out. Sadly, nothing was popping out, everything was still hazy and all this waiting was making me more nervous, i need coffee.

23:  Technology and it’s marvels, i started moving towards a big machine, they say it makes coffee.  As i was moving in closer the machine noticed me, probably by my tired face. It started talking to me: ” Good morning, only for you today we have these select choices”.  I read somewhere about this, it was feeding on some sort of coloured papers. There were five different ones, green, blue, red, yellow and purple.  Each of them had a caricature of some sort, great men from the past and the greater the man was on every bill the higher the value. The green one was the least valuable while the purple was on the other side of  the hierarchy. I started to insert five green papers, one by one. The machine thanked me and presented before my eyes a delicious and hot coffee. While i was dipping inside of it, i started noticing something was happening to my hands, they began to itch and soon the veins between my carpal bones were starting to move in a frenzy, they ravaged my skin, blood was tearing out from all the holes in my arms. The pain was short and exhausting. When i looked again at my hands and palms there was no more skin, no more blood, only a metal disguise, very simplistic but heavy, i felt that i gained ten kilograms, the weight was supressing my thoughts.

22: Feelings of fear and panic were only latent at this point, the morning haze was slowly lifting and i could see everybody. I started scouring for those spicy details i was babbling about earlier and feelings of unease were sluggishly creeping inside me, everybody there had the same problem with their hands, the metalic disguise, i could see it, it was all around.  I was thinking that nobody noticed their problem, they were in too much of a hurry , moving from left to the right, making phone calls, buying stuff, selling stuff. With that in mind, something struck me, i should be in a hurry as well, i need to call my boss to talk to him about these new plans i had sketched yesterday.

21: “Ring…Ring…Ring” Waiting again for him to pick up made me pull another cigarette, nothing special, i always need to have both my hands busy. No answer. “Ring…Ring…Ring”. “Hello, Siluv Lexai, i was expecting your call at any moment now.”

“Good day to you as well, Marek-Ten, i just had my coffee and i promised that i will present to you my sketches for our future endeavors”. I wanted to tell him that something strange was happening today, but i reconsidered, i acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, i gave him my info and my ideas, i sent the sketches by phone, they were perfect, without a flaw, for sure he will be impressed.

“Information , checked, very promising details, checked, ok , now i’ll have to make sure i send all this data to all our servers, i’ll give you a buzz later so i can tell you how everything went.

20: After i closed the phone the numbers and buttons on it started to shake off, my new metal hands didn’t even flinch, but my chest was starting to feel a burning sensation, a moment of being careless and i saw the phone striking at my chest, it was pounding my bones harder and harder until all the buttons started a symbiosis there, another wave of liquid metal was rushing all over my chest, covering it completely. The weight was getting heavier and heavier, how many more of these things, i asked myself, how many more of these things are gonna happen on this day?If you could see me at that precise moment, you would’ve noticed my eyes were full of unease, the latent monsters that i was keeping inside were starting to escape freely. Nothing to do, nothing to stop them.

19: What is this maze i found myself stuck into? I need to find some sort of escape, but my mind was not with me right now, fear and distrust were my new friends. All these humans, that were slowly morphing into the machines they have created did not seem to notice the terrible things that were happening, not even now, i still saw them moving aimlessly from a corner to the other caring more about what is in program for the next few seconds of their lives. They were moving right pass me, not even throwing an eye at the situation at hand.

Confessions of a megalomaniac III

 

Am I really myself when i’m around you?

I’m having nightmares, dirty and sick, that this is not me…

Am I really living another man’s life?

 

You’re so sick of me, you’d tear me apart if you only had the opportunity

Yet, you keep coming back. 

How come you don’t run away and hide , can you not  see , you’re living in my scary dreams

Your coloured pens can’t paint my soul anymore

This is only grey, it’s shades , they all have washed away.

 

I know, I searched for another man with the same tracks and lines

All in all, it’s just not in control,

Behind all these masquerades

It’s just me.

 

This is only a crisis, stay besides me, it’s just that one of  my nightmares has come to be.

Confessions of a megalomaniac II

Shattered sea shells make up your heart, ruptured diamond shards doze off your soul and this electric device will put you in place…

Ah now you’re here, well then, let’s play a game, I’m not saying it’s easy, but you’ll get through somehow. I know you can, you’re the only one.

Don’t stay out on a limb, stay beside me, I’ll help you walk , step by step, from one man to another, with time you’ll learn, you’ll be a master.

Here are your hands, they’re more useful than you think, good, good, it’s starting to look very interesting. You are bound for great things.

Take these two mirrors as well, you can run all you like inside them. What? You want to be free? I don’t think that’s a very good idea but i’m starting to like you already, here, use this empty space to escape whenever you want. A word of caution though, freedom comes at a price,   be careful outside or they will get to you and if they get to you, mercy won’t be shown.

There, now I believe you are ready, but I am not yet capable of letting you go. Hmmm, what if.. no, I shouldn’t but I told you already that I like you. Use these masks when you’re in trouble, you’ll see, you will know what to do with them once you are there.

Now, breathe, stop, breathe, I will see you when the game is over.

Cold

All the scars in your eyes,

They make me feel like I don’t belong

Your voice cries only loneliness

 

It burns inside of me,

It burns inside of me

 

I know that I’m a sinner,

There is no God out there to forgive me

My soul’s unwinding, my mind’s astray

I can feel my blood…

 

It burns inside of me,

It burns inside of me

 

Calm me down, throw me out of this mess

It burns inside of me.

Confessions of a megalomaniac I

Breathe, stop, breathe again. This sea of faces is wearing me down suffocating my hopes.

These strings attached inside of me are getting thiner and thiner, i’m losing balance but can’t you see, this is not me.

I’m becoming mortal, my hands are dry as a tomb , they’re filled with guilt and deceit, my eyes are opening up leaving my soul boundless.

Don’t leave me now, you are supposed to be my escape ticket, don’t regress into a dream lost in the dust on a desert’s night. Why are you running?

 

Where are you running?

Murder

Your smile reveals all the guilt,

I told you not to push me away,

Now, your whole world is screaming my name,

Stop.. take a look at what you’ve done to yourself.

Playing games on my soul , you only fed your role.

These blades are here to paralyze my hate,

But they’ll never ever be adequate,

Can’t you see what you’ve done to me?

Now you’re twisted and so am I,

We’re the only ones to blame,

Because now it’s such a shame…

Why can’t I see what I’ve done to your soul?